two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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