bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
