If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Randomize
