He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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