No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
