For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
