i love accidental penises.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
