Can i not drive my cunt home
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Randomize
