why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
