I feel great
I just peed on a car
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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