I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
