I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
