2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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