i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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