i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
