so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
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Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
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I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
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