we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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