i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
We left the knife in your bed.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
