I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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