tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
