what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
