Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
