yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
