I can text with my tongue
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
