dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Sorry about my life...
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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