you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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