u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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