just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
It was like getting head from an anaconda
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
