in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
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Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
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Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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