Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
