Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
