Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
