Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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