Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
