I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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