why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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