My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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