pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
