i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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