mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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