Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
