Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
