i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
