You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
