i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
