I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
