I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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