Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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