I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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