Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
