I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Randomize
