Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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