jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
