i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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