cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
