I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
