If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
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My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
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how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
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